For some reason that I have yet to uncover, food and other goods are not delivered for free at your doorstep once you have reached the final months of pregnancy. Alas, you must still purchase them for yourself.
A "heavily pregnant" woman faces a few additional challenges than the average person when tasked with fulfilling a grocery list. It is an adventure filled with many physical and emotional challenges. At the end of the road, lies glory...and seven days of not having to repeat the process. Behold, a field guide for venturing out into the world of grocery shopping as a full term preggo:
As you begin your journey, your first obstacle will most likely be...
The "I'm Sure it's Twins" Lady - She is often sitting on a bench out front without any groceries and without the intention of purchasing any. She has no teeth. Her hair is patchy and gray and tucked beneath a moth-eaten beanie. A gnarled index finger will be extended toward your burgeoning abdomen as she exclaims that despite what your doctor may have told you, it is in fact twins. One is,"just hiding. Just thought you should know."
As you exhale heavily and let the first blow to your ego roll off of your back you are faced with your second challenge...
The Public Flatulence - Inevitably, your list features something bulky like toilet paper or cat litter. Before daring to stoop to retrieve an item shelved below waist level, a very pregnant woman must first check the perimeter. Is there anyone nearby that might hear an unwanted release of gas that is sure to be released once you bend over? Once the coast is clear, scoot your cart as close to the item as possible. Using the interwoven metal basket as a sort of hand ladder, lower yourself into a squatting position - the most flattering of all positions to assume in public. When the item is securely stationed on the lower rack of your cart, you must once again, check to make sure you're safe before hoisting your mighty girth to the upright position while emitting a loud, "URUMPH!"
Great, you're on a roll. With a slight degree of dignity still in tact, you are assaulted by your third encounter...
The Judgers - Shocking as it is, you not only purchase groceries for yourself, but for your husband. So when others see your cart filled with perhaps a caffeine beverage, an onlooker (typically a middle aged female or senior citizen) is sure to raise an eyebrow or scowl in your direction. It's best to just smile and add a few sticks of men's deodorant to your cart. As that's clearly for you as well.
You've made it to the finish line, or at least the checkout line. Despite the fact that your feet are swelling quickly within your tennis shoes, you patiently take your place at the end of the four person line for the one of two checkout stands that are open. Your final challenge is staring you in the face in the form of...
The Treat - After enduring the stares, the whispers and the physical exertion of completing a trip to the grocery store, it is easy to over do it on the reward that you deserve. A new lipstick? Sure, that's fine. You deserve to feel pretty. Perhaps a box of Swedish Fish? Why not, they ARE fat free after all. But when you're asked for the third time in the last hour by the woman standing behind you, "When are you due?" DO NOT reach for the Lofthouse Cookies. Save that for when the Walmart greeter asks with a particularly accusatory tone, "Girl, when ARE you going to have your baby?" as if there's a possibility that you are holding your fetus hostage.
If you can manage all of this without tears, you're a much stronger woman than I and therefore, deserve to be crowned as the Gestational Goddess that you truly are. You're probably going to go home and practice your La Maz now, aren't you? Then eat some whole grain crackers and vegetable juice. Or perhaps do your perineal massage, because you're that good.
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