She has grown and changed so much! From this perfect, round, little ball with curious, wide eyes and dopey smiles; to the ornery, fiery and affectionate little girl she is now. I remember all of her milestones. I remember what it felt like to hold her for the very first time. She was so soft and so warm, almost hot to the touch. Holding her was surreal. There is nothing like the first time your baby is in your arms and you have a full sensory experience of what was still just an idea a moment before.
We make fun of our parents when we are children for getting emotional over silly things. I get it now. Watching her try and learn is a whirlwind of feeling. There was overwhelming joy when she first rolled, cooed, shook a rattle, scooted, sat up, crawled...and there was also a tiny heartbreak. Why can't every day last forever? I want her to grow up and have a full, rich life but I could die happy having a lifetime of living this first year over and over again. I have trouble accepting the truth that I cannot.
One moment that sticks out to me from this year was when she noticed me exhaling through my nose. She was snuggled in close, nursing. She often will stroke my face or play with my hair while she is nursing. This time, she was poking my nose and I exhaled a breath which was exaggerated with mild annoyance. Her eyes lit up and a smile parted her lips. Her tiny index finger pushed at my lip and I again exhaled strongly.
She giggled.
Then I heard her make a sort of panting noise as she tried to imitate the sound of my breath. She held her hand up to her nose and felt the air rush out against her palm.
And she understood.
It sounds so simple, and I suppose it is but it was marvelous to experience. Watching a tiny human being understand something about their world in real time makes me feel more alive, more ecstatic and exhilarated than anything else, bar none. I immediately called Arna to share it with him. Another thing that makes me lucky is the fact that he is just as in love with her as I am.
"That sounds amazing." He said.
I love being a mother. Love isn't a strong enough word. I live because I am a mother. Bluma opens a world up to me, both external and internal. I feel fulfilled emotionally, spiritually and psychologically through this little girl. She has changed me and my heart and someday, I'm going to have to let her go.
But not today. So, Happy Birthday to my perfect little Pumpkin Dumpling. I can't wait until you wake up tomorrow and I get to hear what you "say" and see what you do and be on the receiving end of your hugs and kisses.
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